Cana was my beautiful German Shepherd X who never seemed to be anything but completely deliriously happy. Unfortunately the lessons he taught me were far more about what I did wrong than what I did right. He was an impulse buy, inadequately socialised as a pup, and trained with my good intentions but poor skills and bad advice. As a consequence, he developed into a fear-biter as an adult and I never quite knew what to do to help him.
My first experience of obedience training was with Cana by my side. Although we never trialed, he constantly won every club competition for his class. He did this despite my sheer ignorance and complete unquestioning naivety on how best to train, and I shake my head now at some of the techniques I was instructed to use (and complied with).
I never felt anything but forgiveness from Cana. Forgiveness for his inadequate start in life, forgiveness for the things I did to him to try and correct my own mistakes, forgiveness for failing to make him the integral part of my life that he should have been, forgiveness at the end when we couldn't heal him before it was too late, and I'm sure forgiveness that I was hundreds of miles away in those last moments.
Somehow, I have never been able to forgive myself though. It has been many years now, but just writing this brings back the pain. I think what his life could have been like, and feel the self-directed anger that I gave him something far far less than he deserved.
So the memory of Cana is to me far more than the memory of a dog I loved. It is also the reminder of a resolve. He is my reason!
The Reason
Hoobastank
I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why I need you to hear
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
|
